The title of (well really, this whole post) is inspired by a devotional I went to last night. It was given by a well known LDS blogger named Al Fox Carraway, better known to some as the Tattooed Mormon. I think that title is a little cheap, considering she is SO much more. Her energy was refreshing, especially in the YSA world where we often get firesides from older men who, while being spiritually uplifting (MOST of the time...) are stiff, and fail to really capture your attention. She made excellent use of humor, and yet had moments of heartache and heartbreak in her story that translated onto the congregation in a palpable way I've never experienced before.
Their was one moment where she had us all close our eyes, and picture the Savior in front of us. And then, she said, He Smiles. The spirit was felt strongly, and the room was absolutely silent. My thoughts during this experiment were literally, "I have never heard it this quiet at a YSA fireside." Seriously, it just does not happen. There is always someone talking, or whispering, or making noise. But not this time. We were able to relate to her, and I think that's something we so often miss in the people we are taught by, and it was invigorating.
But I didn't write this post to review the fireside (5 stars, by the way. Hell, 100 stars.) I wrote this because of 2 specific moments in the fireside where I knew she was talking to ME. 2 moments where she received inspiration from on high to speak to my needs.
The first came as she described a situation wherein she was absolutely frustrated, and angry at God. Where she yelled at him. SO much so, in fact, that she lost her voice (probably a vocal fold hemorrhage, but that's not the point.) The point is, she was forced to listen. And that's when she heard what she needed to hear. I relate to that. It reminded me of my own conversion, where I would yell at Him. "I'm doing the work, I'm trying my best, why am I getting nothing? Where are you? Do you even care?" Obviously, writing this, and having done that whole mission thing, I got my answer. But it touched me.
The other is more relevant to me now. As she made her journey from New York to Utah, she stopped in Chicago to rest. She told us that while there, she sat on the ground, and was just emotional and physically drained. She thought, "Why? Why keep trying? I've done all I can... I have nothing left. I'm tired of trying."
That hit me. Hard.
Ever since coming home early from my mission, thinking my depression would get better (and it getting worse), I've had that thought so many times. Why? Why should I keep going, why should I keep trying? I've done everything I can, I have nothing left. I just want to be done.
I want to give up.
On this town.
On the gospel.
On life...
Life is hard. Granted, it was never meant to be easy. But why did it have to be this hard?
Then she said, "Never give up. Choose whom you follow, and follow Him."
I needed that. It was a reminder: was I truly following Him, or was I simply going through the motions? I can tell you, I've simply been going through the motions since I returned, with intermittent spots of true discipleship.
But no more.
I'm not giving up.
Not on this town, not on this gospel, and not on life.
I'm trying, I'm fighting, and I'm moving forward. I refuse to let lucifer win. I refuse to let the destroyer take my joy, take my freedom...
Take my life.
So here I am. On July 13th, 2015, I'm rededicating myself to Him.
And it won't be easy. I had to remind myself to read my scriptures first thing this morning. I had to choose to ignore the flashing blue light on my phone that holds the promise of online interactions. I had to refocus, many times, as I read to make sure I was paying attention, and actually studying, not just reading the scriptures. I had to force myself to close all other tabs on my browser, so I could write this uninterrupted, and ignore all the bloops and pops of social media calling me away.
But it's worth it. I remember that much. I remember when I would wake up at 6:30 to study everyday before school, and then at 6 so I would stop being late. I remember what it was like to go to the temple every week, sometimes 3-4 times a week from the day I was endowed to the day I left on my mission.
I remember what it was like to be happy. Truly, truly happy.
And it came not because the things of the world... but because of the presence of the Spirit. And I want that again. And I want to learn how to be like Al. I want to figure out how I can use my experiences, my weaknesses, and my imperfections to uplift, and inspire others. I want to learn how to be a tool in my Father's hands, to serve His children.
I want to turn my story into a story about not giving up.
And, if by some miracle (or, ya know, social media interaction) you ever read this Al, I want to thank you for your example. For your love for the gospel, and your love of the Father and the Savior. For your excitement, your enthusiasm, and your story. Thank you for reminding me who I am, and what I know to be true.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Love the Lord Thy God
So it's been awhile since I've written a post, and honestly, I'm not surprised.
Ever since my mission, my spiritual life has been in tatters. My mission really kind of beat the hope out of me. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a mission, and it certainly isn't the normal experience, but it was mine.
And it was exactly what I needed.
Again, that probably sounds strange, but let me explain. When I came back to the church, I had a new "brightness of hope", as the scriptures call it. I had gained a knowledge of where I came from, why I was here, and where I was going. I used to get up everyday for school at 6:30 am to have time to get ready and study the scriptures. However, I was regularly late to class, so I started getting up 30 minutes earlier to make sure I had time to start my day with Him.
My life went on, and it wasn't always easy, but my burdens were made light as I spent time every single day connecting with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They were what I put first in my life. The decision to put my education on hold and serve a mission was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, but it was what He desired of me, and I was determined to do as He asked. So I left on August 27th of 2013 to jolly old England to serve for an "anticipated... 24 months," as my mission call states.
Fast Forward 6 months. After the most difficult 6 months of my life, after numerous doctor's appointments, drugs, therapy sessions, much praying, and discussions with my loving Mission President, I was on a plane from London Heathrow to Phoenix Sky harbor. It was good to see my beloved desert from the sky. It was wonderful to be greeted by my family and friends, including a new nephew born a month after I left. It was good to be home, and yet, the depression lingered. As did 1 very important question;
Why Me?
What did I do wrong? I was diligent and faithful. I woke up on time, generally did my morning exercise, I studied with purpose and intent. And yet, I had had a difficult 6 months leading to an even more difficult transition home, and to regular life. And even worse, my depression flared up with a vengeance, and I slipped out of 16 months of abstinence from and addiction to Pornography.
A second question; God, where are you? I questioned, much like the prophet Joseph as he languished in Liberty Jail.
The answer to my first question had different answers. For Elder Hudson, the answer was "You have depression. It is a very real disease that will affect you all your life, and if you do not learn to control it, it will ruin you physically, emotionally, and spiritually." I had gone to England to discover my disease, and begin the process of learning to cope, and control it.
For the recently returned RM, the one who neglected scripture study, the one who neglected the blessings and protection of the Temple, the one who allowed his depression to control him, who allowed carnal appetites to overwhelm him, the answer was all too clear.
The answer to the second question, however, was always the same. It was the same reply given to Joseph those many years ago:
Ever since my mission, my spiritual life has been in tatters. My mission really kind of beat the hope out of me. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a mission, and it certainly isn't the normal experience, but it was mine.
And it was exactly what I needed.
Again, that probably sounds strange, but let me explain. When I came back to the church, I had a new "brightness of hope", as the scriptures call it. I had gained a knowledge of where I came from, why I was here, and where I was going. I used to get up everyday for school at 6:30 am to have time to get ready and study the scriptures. However, I was regularly late to class, so I started getting up 30 minutes earlier to make sure I had time to start my day with Him.
My life went on, and it wasn't always easy, but my burdens were made light as I spent time every single day connecting with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They were what I put first in my life. The decision to put my education on hold and serve a mission was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, but it was what He desired of me, and I was determined to do as He asked. So I left on August 27th of 2013 to jolly old England to serve for an "anticipated... 24 months," as my mission call states.
Fast Forward 6 months. After the most difficult 6 months of my life, after numerous doctor's appointments, drugs, therapy sessions, much praying, and discussions with my loving Mission President, I was on a plane from London Heathrow to Phoenix Sky harbor. It was good to see my beloved desert from the sky. It was wonderful to be greeted by my family and friends, including a new nephew born a month after I left. It was good to be home, and yet, the depression lingered. As did 1 very important question;
Why Me?
What did I do wrong? I was diligent and faithful. I woke up on time, generally did my morning exercise, I studied with purpose and intent. And yet, I had had a difficult 6 months leading to an even more difficult transition home, and to regular life. And even worse, my depression flared up with a vengeance, and I slipped out of 16 months of abstinence from and addiction to Pornography.
A second question; God, where are you? I questioned, much like the prophet Joseph as he languished in Liberty Jail.
"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?"(D&C 121:1-2)
For the recently returned RM, the one who neglected scripture study, the one who neglected the blessings and protection of the Temple, the one who allowed his depression to control him, who allowed carnal appetites to overwhelm him, the answer was all too clear.
The answer to the second question, however, was always the same. It was the same reply given to Joseph those many years ago:
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121: 7-8)
The truth is, He was always there. He was there waiting patiently for me to reach out to Him, to ask in faith, and with real intent for His help. This week, I finally began that process in earnest. I began to truly study the scriptures again, regularly, and with hope. I've been blessed with the opportunity to return to the House of the Lord. I've been blessed by the influence of 2 extraordinary friends who shall remain nameless, but nevertheless have all of my love and respect for the example of Christlike love, and compassion they've shown to me.
To truly be happy, I have to put Him first in my life once again. I have to reestablish that relationship, and through that relationship can improve my relationship with myself. That's where the true happiness lies: surety of hope in the knowledge that my Savior and Father in Heaven love me, and that I am enough just as I am.
That is the lesson I needed to learn. That is what He was trying to teach me. Like Alma, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things..." (Alma 26:12)
To all of you who have reached out to me with kind words of encouragement, know that I am grateful for your love and friendship.
And to you 2, and you know who you are; thank you for saving me. You showed me that the reason you can make me feel wanted, and needed, and special, and loved is because I am. I will be eternally grateful for your example, and friendship. I love you more than words can express, more than I even have the capacity to understand.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Surprise, I'm Home!
Hello everyone.
So, as promised, I'm going to keep a long story long, and update you on why I only spent 6 months out of my anticipated 24 in England. I'm about to get real honest, and what I say may be surprising to you, but I am not ashamed, nor afraid to speak about my experiences in life (as those of you who attended my YSA ward farewell know!)
I, Taylor Bennett Hudson the 3rd (jk, I'm the only one), suffer, and have suffered from from depression, for about 10 years now. That may surprise some of you, because I have gotten really good at hiding how I actually feel. I'm really good at acting like everything is okay, like I'm happy, and that I enjoy all the aspects and facets of my life.
It isn't, I'm not, and I don't.
Now, that's not to say everything is horrible, that I'm never happy, and that I don't enjoy facets of my life (I have ups and downs like everyone, I am human.) But, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have moments, and periods of extreme darkness, extreme sadness, and even sometimes agony (emotional and physical) due to that sadness.
This reared it's ugly head in a major way on my mission. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on mental illness, and specifically depression in the October 2013 General Conference. He said,
"When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion... but today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
This was me on my mission. There were days where it was all that I could do to get out of bed and out of the door. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I used to think, before my mission, that the level or amount of sadness I experienced was normal, that people were all as sad as I was. But when I got into the mission field, I experienced a level and depth of sadness so great that I knew something was wrong.
Depression is such a destructive disease of the mind. It entirely warps the way you see yourself, lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, and completely invalidates (in your mind) the compliments and positive things other people say about you. Obviously, again in one's mind, they are lying. "I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless, therefore any positive thing someone could mistakenly see in m e is wrong. It's not a great place to be, mentally, or spiritually, for that matter.
It's ridiculous, because I know how much people love me, I've seen and heard and occasionally felt it. But I felt so alone on my mission, so unloved. I know it wasn't, and isn't true, yet I still felt (and admittedly still feel) like I am not loved. Depression makes you irrational. It takes away your ability to dismiss your irrational thoughts. I say dismiss, because I know that many of the thoughts that drive my depression are just irrational and false, but I feel them nonetheless.
Which sucks. Real real bad.
But, I'm receiving treatment, and I am fighting, and I will get better.
One last thing I want to touch on. Many of you have asked how I'm doing, and the answer is that it's a struggle, but I'm glad to be home. I feel like the question you're really asking is how is your testimony, how do you feel about coming home early?
The answer to that question is that I feel completely at peace about my decision to come home. I had frequent sessions with a psychologist, and a psychiatrist while I was there, and I still did my best to work hard, and I gave everything I had. I know, I know that my offering has been accepted by the Lord. Further more, I know that this is what was supposed to happen! I want to England to learn a few things, not the least of which is that I have this affliction, and needed to recognize that so I could start to gain the tools to handle it.
I was never meant to serve a full 24 months, of this I am certain. And I feel completely at ease telling anyone who says otherwise exactly where they can go (straight to hell) because this is the Lord's will for me, and that is more than enough.
I want to thank everyone who supported me and loved me, vocally or not, while I was in England. I'm happy to be home, and looking forward to moving forward.
Much Love,
(Formerly Elder) Taylor Hudson
So, as promised, I'm going to keep a long story long, and update you on why I only spent 6 months out of my anticipated 24 in England. I'm about to get real honest, and what I say may be surprising to you, but I am not ashamed, nor afraid to speak about my experiences in life (as those of you who attended my YSA ward farewell know!)
I, Taylor Bennett Hudson the 3rd (jk, I'm the only one), suffer, and have suffered from from depression, for about 10 years now. That may surprise some of you, because I have gotten really good at hiding how I actually feel. I'm really good at acting like everything is okay, like I'm happy, and that I enjoy all the aspects and facets of my life.
It isn't, I'm not, and I don't.
Now, that's not to say everything is horrible, that I'm never happy, and that I don't enjoy facets of my life (I have ups and downs like everyone, I am human.) But, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have moments, and periods of extreme darkness, extreme sadness, and even sometimes agony (emotional and physical) due to that sadness.
This reared it's ugly head in a major way on my mission. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on mental illness, and specifically depression in the October 2013 General Conference. He said,
"When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion... but today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
This was me on my mission. There were days where it was all that I could do to get out of bed and out of the door. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I used to think, before my mission, that the level or amount of sadness I experienced was normal, that people were all as sad as I was. But when I got into the mission field, I experienced a level and depth of sadness so great that I knew something was wrong.
Depression is such a destructive disease of the mind. It entirely warps the way you see yourself, lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, and completely invalidates (in your mind) the compliments and positive things other people say about you. Obviously, again in one's mind, they are lying. "I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless, therefore any positive thing someone could mistakenly see in m e is wrong. It's not a great place to be, mentally, or spiritually, for that matter.
It's ridiculous, because I know how much people love me, I've seen and heard and occasionally felt it. But I felt so alone on my mission, so unloved. I know it wasn't, and isn't true, yet I still felt (and admittedly still feel) like I am not loved. Depression makes you irrational. It takes away your ability to dismiss your irrational thoughts. I say dismiss, because I know that many of the thoughts that drive my depression are just irrational and false, but I feel them nonetheless.
Which sucks. Real real bad.
But, I'm receiving treatment, and I am fighting, and I will get better.
One last thing I want to touch on. Many of you have asked how I'm doing, and the answer is that it's a struggle, but I'm glad to be home. I feel like the question you're really asking is how is your testimony, how do you feel about coming home early?
The answer to that question is that I feel completely at peace about my decision to come home. I had frequent sessions with a psychologist, and a psychiatrist while I was there, and I still did my best to work hard, and I gave everything I had. I know, I know that my offering has been accepted by the Lord. Further more, I know that this is what was supposed to happen! I want to England to learn a few things, not the least of which is that I have this affliction, and needed to recognize that so I could start to gain the tools to handle it.
I was never meant to serve a full 24 months, of this I am certain. And I feel completely at ease telling anyone who says otherwise exactly where they can go (straight to hell) because this is the Lord's will for me, and that is more than enough.
I want to thank everyone who supported me and loved me, vocally or not, while I was in England. I'm happy to be home, and looking forward to moving forward.
Much Love,
(Formerly Elder) Taylor Hudson
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
29 Days!!!!!
29 DAYS!!!!!
Okay, I'm starting to freak out just a bit. And it hasn't been easy lately. Actually, it's been really hard, to be honest. It seems the closer I get to leaving, the harder satan's minions fight to keep me here.
One day in particular, I read an article that didn't start out anti-Mormon, but certainly ended that way. Afterwards, I was shaken, and confused, and struggling to find my way back to center. After studying PMG at my mom's Therapy appointment, I definitely felt better, but I knew I also needed a blessing from my dad.
After we got home from therapy, I asked him for one, which indeed made me feel better. But the real miracle was in what happened next. My father asked if I would give him a blessing. I felt apprehensive, but I knew I was worthy to give him one, and so I did. As I lay my hands upon his head and began, it felt normal, and to be honest, I just said similar things to the words I usually use. And then, for the first time ever, I felt different. It was very similar to the feeling I had when I knew that Jesus lives and loves me. And for the first time, words followed that feeling.
Now I've always wondered what it would feel like to be commanded to impart a blessing that I thought was... too good to be true. I wondered what I would do: would I have the courage to speak the words that seemed impossible to come to pass? Yet here I was, and those improbable promises came into my mind, but in that moment, with that feeling filling my entire being, I knew that they were true and spoke them as such. I must say, it was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I've ever had.
I've also begun to be nervous about leaving. And I don't think it's the prospect of a new place, far removed from home, I think it has to do with being away from the people I love. Leaving my friends and family was always my main deterrent from serving a mission, but it's never felt so real until now. I had the thought this morning that it's very much like the grieving process: When Kristi died, it was so strange that life moved on, that things continued basically unchanged.
That's kind of what I feel like, but from a slightly shifted perspective. In one month, I will be on a different side of the planet, yet the world here will continue on without me. My friends' lives will continue on practically unchanged. Weddings will happen. People will move. Things will continue on, and I'll come home to a completely new set of circumstances. And that's scary.
It's terrifying.
But I know that this is what I am meant to do.
This is where I am meant to go.
This is where I am meant to grow, to become the man I am meant to be.
I came to this realization very strongly when I read my latest set of emails from 2 friends out in the field. It's hard, but it's worth it. I can't pretend to know what the future holds for me. I don't know how effective I will be, if I'll be of any help to anyone. But I know I'm meant to serve, and I know I love Him enough to trust in His plan for me, because it has always been better than my own.
-Taylor
Okay, I'm starting to freak out just a bit. And it hasn't been easy lately. Actually, it's been really hard, to be honest. It seems the closer I get to leaving, the harder satan's minions fight to keep me here.
One day in particular, I read an article that didn't start out anti-Mormon, but certainly ended that way. Afterwards, I was shaken, and confused, and struggling to find my way back to center. After studying PMG at my mom's Therapy appointment, I definitely felt better, but I knew I also needed a blessing from my dad.
After we got home from therapy, I asked him for one, which indeed made me feel better. But the real miracle was in what happened next. My father asked if I would give him a blessing. I felt apprehensive, but I knew I was worthy to give him one, and so I did. As I lay my hands upon his head and began, it felt normal, and to be honest, I just said similar things to the words I usually use. And then, for the first time ever, I felt different. It was very similar to the feeling I had when I knew that Jesus lives and loves me. And for the first time, words followed that feeling.
Now I've always wondered what it would feel like to be commanded to impart a blessing that I thought was... too good to be true. I wondered what I would do: would I have the courage to speak the words that seemed impossible to come to pass? Yet here I was, and those improbable promises came into my mind, but in that moment, with that feeling filling my entire being, I knew that they were true and spoke them as such. I must say, it was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I've ever had.
I've also begun to be nervous about leaving. And I don't think it's the prospect of a new place, far removed from home, I think it has to do with being away from the people I love. Leaving my friends and family was always my main deterrent from serving a mission, but it's never felt so real until now. I had the thought this morning that it's very much like the grieving process: When Kristi died, it was so strange that life moved on, that things continued basically unchanged.
That's kind of what I feel like, but from a slightly shifted perspective. In one month, I will be on a different side of the planet, yet the world here will continue on without me. My friends' lives will continue on practically unchanged. Weddings will happen. People will move. Things will continue on, and I'll come home to a completely new set of circumstances. And that's scary.
It's terrifying.
But I know that this is what I am meant to do.
This is where I am meant to go.
This is where I am meant to grow, to become the man I am meant to be.
I came to this realization very strongly when I read my latest set of emails from 2 friends out in the field. It's hard, but it's worth it. I can't pretend to know what the future holds for me. I don't know how effective I will be, if I'll be of any help to anyone. But I know I'm meant to serve, and I know I love Him enough to trust in His plan for me, because it has always been better than my own.
-Taylor
Friday, July 11, 2014
My Rededication
I am rededicating myself.
To the Gospel.
To Temple Work.
To Missionary Work.
But most importantly, to the Lord.
I told myself that when I quit working, I would spend my days reading the scriptures, studying PMG, and going to the temple. The reality, however, has demonstrated to me the power of Netflix to the wayward soul...
So I have decided to rededicate myself. I made a commitment to myself and my Savior this morning to not use social media today (a rule I'll be breaking to post this on my wall, but I got permission for that.) I'm going to try to cut back on it entirely. I've removed the Facebook shortcut from my phone, and I've tried to not even pick that up today.
I've also been lacking in my scripture study, and worst of all, prayer. So I knelt down and asked forgiveness, and then hit the book, as it were. I focused on understanding everything, rereading passages often, and multiple times. I have trouble focusing a lot of the time, but I'm trying to improve. That's all I can do.
I finished my routine by praying again, and then writing in my journal. It was wonderful, feeling the spirit, and being so moved to write. I wrote more today than I think I ever have, over a page of thoughts and feelings given me from Him.
I have realized again these past few days and weeks that Satan's plan really is easy. It's a trap disguised as an oasis of "fun" in a desert of duty and dedication. But I have walked that path before. I have drunk from the pools of that oasis, and I can promise you that while it is desirable and pleasant, it cannot bring you real happiness. It cannot replace the pure joy felt when in the presence of the Spirit.
Living the Gospel is the only thing that has ever made me truly happy. It filled the hole in my heart that was gaping for so many years, and replaced it with peace. My mom asked me a question the other day as I sat with her: "What happened to all your rage?" For those of you who may not have had the displeasure of knowing me in my youth, I had a temper that would explode at the drop of a feather. I would often hit things, punch holes in walls, break things, and scream in rage. If you look carefully in my home, you can find spots where the spackle isn't quite the same as surrounding areas, places that have been patched after my fits of rage.
It had diminished in recent years, but ever since returning to the Gospel, it has vanished completely. The Father changed my heart during my conversion and replaced all my anger and rage with peace and joy, and I am forever indebted to Him for it.
And so I find myself here, reflecting on all that He has done for me, and finding myself lacking in the gratitude and dedication departments. Thus, I will try harder.
I will do better.
And I will be better.
For Him, who saved me.
To the Gospel.
To Temple Work.
To Missionary Work.
But most importantly, to the Lord.
I told myself that when I quit working, I would spend my days reading the scriptures, studying PMG, and going to the temple. The reality, however, has demonstrated to me the power of Netflix to the wayward soul...
So I have decided to rededicate myself. I made a commitment to myself and my Savior this morning to not use social media today (a rule I'll be breaking to post this on my wall, but I got permission for that.) I'm going to try to cut back on it entirely. I've removed the Facebook shortcut from my phone, and I've tried to not even pick that up today.
I've also been lacking in my scripture study, and worst of all, prayer. So I knelt down and asked forgiveness, and then hit the book, as it were. I focused on understanding everything, rereading passages often, and multiple times. I have trouble focusing a lot of the time, but I'm trying to improve. That's all I can do.
I finished my routine by praying again, and then writing in my journal. It was wonderful, feeling the spirit, and being so moved to write. I wrote more today than I think I ever have, over a page of thoughts and feelings given me from Him.
I have realized again these past few days and weeks that Satan's plan really is easy. It's a trap disguised as an oasis of "fun" in a desert of duty and dedication. But I have walked that path before. I have drunk from the pools of that oasis, and I can promise you that while it is desirable and pleasant, it cannot bring you real happiness. It cannot replace the pure joy felt when in the presence of the Spirit.
Living the Gospel is the only thing that has ever made me truly happy. It filled the hole in my heart that was gaping for so many years, and replaced it with peace. My mom asked me a question the other day as I sat with her: "What happened to all your rage?" For those of you who may not have had the displeasure of knowing me in my youth, I had a temper that would explode at the drop of a feather. I would often hit things, punch holes in walls, break things, and scream in rage. If you look carefully in my home, you can find spots where the spackle isn't quite the same as surrounding areas, places that have been patched after my fits of rage.
It had diminished in recent years, but ever since returning to the Gospel, it has vanished completely. The Father changed my heart during my conversion and replaced all my anger and rage with peace and joy, and I am forever indebted to Him for it.
And so I find myself here, reflecting on all that He has done for me, and finding myself lacking in the gratitude and dedication departments. Thus, I will try harder.
I will do better.
And I will be better.
For Him, who saved me.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
No One Is Lost
As I sit in stake conference, I remember an experience where I was saying nightly prayers with my father, and he prayed for 3 of my siblings who don't go to church, that they might find the truth of the gospel. And I remember mentally scoffing at that, at the notion they could ever come back from where they were.
And then a gentle voice whispered "There used to be a fourth name on that list." And that blew my mind. My dad says the same words every night in his prayers. Every night, for years, he has said that prayer, and I doubted the effectiveness of it, without realizing I'm an example of the success of that prayer.
Nothing, in my mind, is as important as the fact that we are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. We are created by a being that has such an immense love to us as to be incomprehensible in this mortal frame. Knowing this, how could I ever, for even a moment have thought anyone could ever be lost? Anytime we feel like we're apart from his presence, we are the ones to blame. He will always grant us His presence when we do those things that invite it in.
At a YSA conference in January Alex Boye, a popular LDS singer, related a story about a time he was singing for a business conference. He had returned to his hotel room to discover that it had not been cleaned. The maid was still in the hall, so he went up to her and chastised her for not cleaning the room. She gently pointed to the door, where the "Do Not Disturb" sign was hanging, and said "If the sign's on the door, I don't go in" and offered to clean his room after she had finished the rest of the hallway.
He asked us what signs we put up in our lives that don't allow His presence in. What thoughts, actions, habits, people or places in our lives do we continue to allow to separate us from Him? It's been my goal to find those things in my life, and to try and eradicate them. Every morning when I get up, I try to do my journal and scripture study. And most mornings, I think I can do this or that first, and have time later. But the truth is if I don't do it first, I don't do it. By ignoring the prompting to follow through on that routine, I rob myself of the opportunity to feel the spirit, and receive revelation.
I would encourage you reading this to likewise find those things in your life, those "Do Not Disturb" signs, and take them down. I've said it many times, but it remains true: The path of following Christ is not an easy one, but it is worth it.
With Love,
Taylor
I would encourage you reading this to likewise find those things in your life, those "Do Not Disturb" signs, and take them down. I've said it many times, but it remains true: The path of following Christ is not an easy one, but it is worth it.
With Love,
Taylor
Sunday, May 25, 2014
When a General Authority Tells You To Do Something, You Do It.
So I've been debating on whether or not to write about this. But in the end, I've realized it strengthen my testimony bearing my testimony, and so I decided to share it here. Just know that I share this not to puff myself up, or advertise that I'm fantastic, or a wonderful person, or a wonderful member missionary. I'm writing about this event because it was a powerful spiritual experience for me and others, given to us by Heavenly Father, not by purely my interaction with this group of people.
Last Sunday, there was a stake fireside. I sing in the stake choir, so I was there. It was actually Institute graduation, and had I not been a member of State Choir I probably would not have been there. After all of the diplomas and achievement awards had been handed out, we heard from Elder Hansen of the Seventy and his wife. He spoke on experiences he had in Institute, and at one point he mentioned that he was going to invite some people up to share experiences they had had in Institute.
Immediately my heart started to race, and was pounding in my chest; one of the sure signs the Spirit is telling you to go up and bear your testimony. So after the first girl went, and there was a bit of a silence, I raise my hand and walked up to the pulpit. I related a story of when we were talking about the restoration in institute last semester. Brother Chatwin asked us to write a list of blessings we had received because of the restoration, and my list was long. And then he asked what we were willing to sacrifice because of it... I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying... crap. It was in that moment I realize that the Lord was telling me He wanted me to go on a mission. It took talking to a good friend and some sister missionaries to act on that knowledge.
After that, I bore my testimony on the importance of Institute, and went to leave. Just then, Elder Hansen reached out his arm and hooked it around mine, and told me not to leave. He said, imagine this room is full of investigators, that this entire congregation our investigators. Now imagine you're in the living room on your mission speaking to these investigators. Bear your testimony to them of the atonement and its power and influence in your life. And I looked around and noticed there weren't any tissues on the stand, I remarked that we better get some tissues handy, because me and the spirit like to cry together.
After we had sufficient material to dry my eyes, I started to bear the most powerful testimony I have ever borne. It was the kind of testimony that reminded me of just how strong my testimony actually is. It brought back so many feelings of my conversion experience and instances where I felt the spirit and the Savior's love for me so strongly. I wish someone had recorded it, because I would love to be able to listen to that moment and feel those things over and over again.
By the end of my testimony, I was crying, people in the congregational crying, and I definitely needed those tissues. I closed in Jesus' name, and walked away from the stand. On my way back to my seat, Elder Hansen remarked on my testimony and how he thinks he'll make a fine missionary, and how great a spirit he sees in me. Again, I don't bring this up to toot my own horn, or inflate my ego, or brag. I simply bring this up because it gave me a testimony of bearing your testimony. Of how important it is not only to have a testimony, but to share it with others. To let the spirit use you to touch other people's lives.
After the meeting was over, I had multiple people come up to me and remark how inspiring and how beautiful my testimony was, and how they needed to hear it and how it helped them. I never get used to people telling me that I'm an inspiration, or that I've helped them, or that anything I do is significant in any way because all I do is try. All I ever do is try to live the best life that I can, and show the love of Christ that I have been shown to everyone. And I'm terrible at it. I think I'm really bad at leading a christ-like life, but I'm trying to improve. Everyday, step by step I try to think of my Savior and how He lived, and how He wants me to live.
My dear friends, I bare my testimony now that as we share our testimonies with those around us as directed by the Spirit, we will touch lives. That our testimonies can strengthen others testimonies. And not only others' testimonies, but our own. I know it is a vital thing for us to share the love and knowledge we have received from Him, and to live our lives in such a manner that others feel that love of Him emanating from us.
I'm trying to improve. I'm trying to be better. And I'm getting better at it day by day, little by little, line upon line precept upon precept. It is my prayer that we will always strive to be better. That we will all decide to try and see ourselves not through our own distorted lens but through the lens that He sees us through. To see ourselves and our fellow men with the pure love of Christ, with that filter on our lives.
I love you brothers and sisters, be well.
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