Service

Hello Brothers and Sisters.

As I was saying my morning prayers, and writing in my Prayer Journal, I thought of an old friend from my childhood. I was asking for opportunities to serve, and do missionary work. I thought of this friend when I was speaking that prayer, and felt a very strong impression to write a letter to them.

This person is suffering a great addiction, and continues to make poor choices that hurt this person and their family. Being a person who has suffered from addiction as well, I felt the need to share my experience, and let this person know that it is hard, and it is painful, but that this can be overcome through the Atonement of our Savior. I knew how this person would react, how they would be disgusted that someone would dare suggest God was answer. After all, God is for fools, a bedtime story told to idiots and children to keep them in line.

I knew they would think this because I used to think the same things. I used to hate the very idea of God. At one point in my life, the mention of His name, or Jesus name filled me with anger, rage. As I write that, I'm ashamed. I'm so filled with sorrow for the person I used to be. I can hardly fathom that for years I reviled Him, and rebuked Him, and cursed His name, yet He loves me. More than I can ever comprehend in this life. Every single time I screw up, I make a mistake, I sin, I err, I do wrong, when the right is presented to me. Every time I feel a prompting from Him and do otherwise, he still loves me. I can't imagine any being on this Earth being capable of that kind of love, save a parent. He truly is a loving, caring, compassionate Father to us all.

I remember an experience I had last week as I was driving home from school. I saw a man pushing a minivan in the center lane, and I felt a strong urge to pull up behind him and offer my assistance.

But I kept on driving.

Why?

This brother was in need, and I saw that, and He told me to help him... and I kept driving. And as I drove past, I felt a deep pang of sorrow and sadness, and I knew that I had rejected His voice in my life to offer service, to let Him work through me for my fellow man. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked back and saw 2 other cars pull in to help.

I'm so thankful that the Lord sent others to help out this man. But I know that won't always be the case. I gave a lesson on Service in church yesterday, and one of the brothers in the class related a story he had heard of a sister who was baptized into the church in her 80's. When she received her Patriarchal blessing, she was told that had a brother been diligent in his duties, she would have received the gospel, and it's blessings in her youth.

What a horrible thought. To think that my inaction could rob someone of the joy and peace of the gospel for so many years is terrifying. I hope that we might all learn from that example, and follow the Lord's voice whenever it prompts us to give service. For when we are in the service of our fellow man, we are only in the service of our god, and we will receive great blessings by doing His work. I hope that in the course of my following His promptings in writing the letter, I can bring one of His children back to the fold.

I love you, my Brothers and Sisters,
Taylor

The Downside Of A Miraculous Conversion

You might have just read the title of this post, and you may be confused. How can there be any downside to a miraculous conversion? How can feeling the Lord's love intensely, deeply, unequivocally in an instant have a drawback? I assure you there is.

The problem is that in that moment of spiritual rebirth, and the ensuing honeymoon period, there is so much hope, and very little doubt. Temptation seems a distant memory, and you thirst for spiritual moments. But after the honeymoon ends, Satan and his minions come back harder than ever. You've got new spiritual body armor, and they bought armor piercing bullets.

Doubt stars to creep back in, and although you still feel spiritual, it's nowhere near the level you felt before. You feel almost alone, having become accustomed to God's near constant presence. As hard as you try, you can't get that same level of spiritual companionship. It hurts, having been so close to Him, and then to feel his presence withdraw to a distance closer than before the rebirth, but farther than you feel comfortable with. My father has often told me that hell isn't a dark, dank place of fire and brimstone, it is being out of the presence of God.

And you feel like you're in hell.

Whereas during the honeymoon, you pray always, and receive answers almost immediately or feel his love and peace upon you, you now plead for an answer, and feel nothing. Not because there is nothing to feel, but because the comfort of the spirit that was once so strong with you is back in it's natural state. A still small voice. And you're not yet accustomed to being able to the spirit in that subtle state.

This is where things get hard.

I've often wondered why I've heard of so many returned missionaries going inactive after their missions, but I think I understand it now. When on the mission, you're entire day is dedicated to the Lord, to serving His flock, and doing His work. The level of companionship with His spirit must be immense. But the transition must also be difficult. Going from serving Him in all things, and that being your only focus, to being back with family and friends, worrying about the temporal things in your life. That spirit must withdraw, and settle back at a distance you aren't used to.

So now that we have had this spiritual companionship, and subsequently felt it lessened, we must strive even harder to keep that relationship going. We have to fight for every step forward, because Satan and his minions are fighting twice as hard to pull you back. In Journey to the Veil, John Pontius discusses the ways in which the opposition seeks to destroy us. He ends that post with "They are planning our demise with evil intent, and great malice, and we're watching television."

How poignant that is. We get caught up in the worries of the world, the woes of our situation. We often times desire for the things of the world over the things of the spirit. After a day set aside for the giving of thanks, we wake up early to beat our fellow man to the cheapest flat screen. Even those of us most acquainted with Him and His spirit will slip, and fall into the traps set for us, because we are natural, fallen men and women. We've been at this for tens of years at best. But they have been doing this for thousands of years, since the fall of Adam. No wonder it's so hard to stay the course, to hold to the iron rod, and endure to the end.

But I know that there is a way. That through Christ, through His Love, and Atonement, we can again come to know his presence. The most important lesson we can learn is that we are going to fail! We must accept this, and move on, as Christ accepts us, and our faults, and continues to help us move forward. It is my sincere hope, my brothers and sisters, that we might always remember Him, and have His spirit to be with us. To lead us, and guide us toward our eternal glory. We must trust in Him with everything we are, even through the hard times, the dark times, the doubts and worries. Trust in Him, and turn to Him in every trial, and you shall be delivered.

I love you, my friends.

-Taylor

My Talk On Conversion

I gave my first talk since returning to the Church today in Sacrament meeting. I've edited it a bit to reflect the change of medium. I hope you enjoy :)  

A few weeks ago, as I was finishing a meeting with Bishop Compton, he asked me if I had anything I needed to tell him, to which I replied, if you need someone to give a talk, I’m your man. I thought this would surprise him, as we all seem to avoid giving talks like the plague, but his response was more surprising. He said, Oh good, because I have you down for a talk December 8th. I asked him what it was on, and he said conversion, and I said awesome, I can do that, I know that.

After the initial enthusiasm of the topic wore off, I realized I had no idea what I was going to say. Sure, I have had a conversion experience, but not everyone’s experience will be the same.. Whether it is a giant, powerful revelation, or the still small voice whispering it's truth in your ear, the experience is as unique to them as their fingerprint. Immediately I began searching the scriptures for verses on conversion, as well as talks from general conferences. Then a thought came to me: What is conversion?

The bible dictionary tells us that conversion:

Denotes changing one’s views, in a conscious acceptance of the will of God (Acts 3:19). If followed by continued faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism in water for the remission of sins, and the reception of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, conversion will become complete and will change a natural man into a sanctified, born again, purified person—a new creature in Christ Jesus (see 2 Cor. 5:17). Complete conversion comes after many trials and much testing (see Luke 22:32; D&C 112:12–13). To labor for the conversion of one’s self and others is a noble task, as in Ps. 51:13; Dan. 12:3; James 5:19–20; Alma 26; D&C 18:15–16.

There are a few key phrases in that passage. First, a conscious acceptance of the will of God. I found a definition of conscious that says: (of an action or feeling) deliberate or intentional.  

A deliberate acceptance of the will of God.

A synonym for deliberate is willful, defined as having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects. That’s an interesting connection, to me.

To be converted, we must stubborn and determined in our acceptance of God’s will, no matter the consequences. That may seem odd, as consequence is usually a negative word, and why would there be consequences from accepting god’s will? But as members of the church, we have seen first hand the consequences of our faith. From the judgement we face from our peers, to the persecution member’s faced in the early days of the church, the consequences of accepting god’s will are real.

But so are the great blessings we receive when we become, as the bible dictionary says, a new creature in Christ. In a lesson in elder’s quorum a few weeks ago, the question was asked: What is the difference between believing in Christ, and being a believer in Christ? I answered, anyone can say they believe they believe Jesus Christ is their lord and savior, but to be a believer in Christ, we have to show that we know he is. It is not enough to go through the motions, to do what we’ve been told because we’ve been told to do it. We have to want it. I was converted because I was at a point in my life where I was no longer happy idly wondering if God existed. And so I sought him out. And I didn’t get anything at first. I read my scriptures, and prayed to a God, and this is key, to a god I was not yet sure even existed, but I still believed he would answer my prayers.

I wrote a blog on Faith a few weeks ago, and a part of it stood out to me as I reread it in preparation of my talk.

I wrote: “I remember being told that to receive an answer to my prayer inquiring the truth of God that I needed to pray until I could pray no more, and then to keep praying. I found that absurd, like telling someone they had to walk until they passed out from dehydration, get up, and continue walking before being granted a drink. What God could require so much of me, when I was searching for HIM!  

The truth is, a loving One. A just One. I was looking at it in the wrong way. All God requires is that we, like Abraham, be willing to sacrifice our everything to Him, and through that obedience He will grant us new life. And I promise you, he does, and he will. This is coming from a person who literally thought not a month ago that people who had a "relationship" with God were stupid, and ignorant, and who knew He didn't exist, and would never, and could never exist.

Until He did

.Until He came to me, and wrapped His arms around me, and said "I am with you. I have always been, and will always be with you. I have struggled, and mourned, and sorrowed with you, and now I rejoice that you might know Me."

And all it took was believing He would, until I could believe no longer. And then believing a little more. It took giving everything I am, everything I have to him, and the willingness to give so much more.

And to maintain it, I must be willing to do the same.

What's so hard about that?”

What is so hard about that, brothers and sisters? Why is it so hard to keep our faith. To nourish it, and allow it to grow? To give our wills to him, and say thine be done? Because we are natural men and women, with natural bodies, and desires. We are weak on our own. it is only through being converted in Christ, in laying all of our desires, sorrows, and our will, and our burdens at his feet, and trusting Him in all things, that he will give us what we need. Not necessarily what we want, but what we truly need.

I recently wrote a letter to someone telling them how I felt. I wrote this as a therapeutic letter, never having the intention of showing it to them. But about 3/4 of the way through writing it, I was given a strong impression that this was addressed to this person, and they deserved the chance to read it. My heart stopped, I had written things I had never intended for them to hear. These were powerful feelings, and I was not ready to put them out there to be done with as someone else decided, to be either accepted, or discarded. I was afraid what I revealed in the letter would drastically alter, or destroy our friendship. But the more I prayed, the more I was reminded of the Savior in the garden at Gethsemane. He was afraid, just as I was. He pleaded to His Father in Heaven to take away the cup, that he might not drink it. But nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.

If the Lord was willing to take upon him the sins of the world because the Father asked him to, how could I refuse to give a letter expressing love to a dear friend? I was a nervous wreck the day I did it, but afterwards, instead of the dread I had thought I would feel, all I felt was peace. And it was because I had done what he had asked me to, even though it was hard. We receive wonderful blessings when we consciously, willfully, stubbornly strive to accept his will, no matter the perceived consequences.

This reminds me of a thought from John Pontius’ Journey to the Veil. He’s talking about taking the first step in a spiritual journey, like conversion. He writes that “When you read the scriptures and survey the lives of the noble and great ones of previous gospel dispensations, you are not reading the lives of the extraordinarily talented. You are reading the lives of the extraordinarily obedient. They each started with no greater advantage, genius, or strength than most of us. Their great first step was when they learned to hear, and then to obey, and then to fly.”

Brother’s and sister’s, I was to speak today on conversion, and it may seem that my talk has strayed into trusting in the Lord. But the reality is, they are no different. To be converted, we must trust Him in all things. We must seek out his will, and take it upon us as our own, that we might serve him, and praise him, and do His will in all things. Conversion is not a single moment. While I call it my conversion experience, it was really just the moment that God revealed Himself and his love to me in a way I could perceive. Conversion is a journey, a long one. Filled with trials, and tribulations. We may encounter dead ends, and flat tires, and we might run out of gas. And we might feel hopeless, and want to give up. But I promise you, that if you hold fast, and endure to the end, you shall be changed into a new being, a spiritual creature worthy of returning to His presence.

I bear you my testimony that Christ and the Father are real. They loves us to a degree that is so great, it is unfathomable to us in our current fallen state. I know how hard it is to be converted, to keep faith. But I promise you, if you will trust in Him in all things, and endure to the end, great blessings shall be poured out upon you. I promise you that if you come to Him with a broken heart, and a contrite spirit, and pour out your desires, and leave all of your pain, and sorrow, and hope, and love, and trust at his feet, he will take it all and mold you into the person you are truly meant to be.

I leave these things with you, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.