Service

Hello Brothers and Sisters.

As I was saying my morning prayers, and writing in my Prayer Journal, I thought of an old friend from my childhood. I was asking for opportunities to serve, and do missionary work. I thought of this friend when I was speaking that prayer, and felt a very strong impression to write a letter to them.

This person is suffering a great addiction, and continues to make poor choices that hurt this person and their family. Being a person who has suffered from addiction as well, I felt the need to share my experience, and let this person know that it is hard, and it is painful, but that this can be overcome through the Atonement of our Savior. I knew how this person would react, how they would be disgusted that someone would dare suggest God was answer. After all, God is for fools, a bedtime story told to idiots and children to keep them in line.

I knew they would think this because I used to think the same things. I used to hate the very idea of God. At one point in my life, the mention of His name, or Jesus name filled me with anger, rage. As I write that, I'm ashamed. I'm so filled with sorrow for the person I used to be. I can hardly fathom that for years I reviled Him, and rebuked Him, and cursed His name, yet He loves me. More than I can ever comprehend in this life. Every single time I screw up, I make a mistake, I sin, I err, I do wrong, when the right is presented to me. Every time I feel a prompting from Him and do otherwise, he still loves me. I can't imagine any being on this Earth being capable of that kind of love, save a parent. He truly is a loving, caring, compassionate Father to us all.

I remember an experience I had last week as I was driving home from school. I saw a man pushing a minivan in the center lane, and I felt a strong urge to pull up behind him and offer my assistance.

But I kept on driving.

Why?

This brother was in need, and I saw that, and He told me to help him... and I kept driving. And as I drove past, I felt a deep pang of sorrow and sadness, and I knew that I had rejected His voice in my life to offer service, to let Him work through me for my fellow man. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked back and saw 2 other cars pull in to help.

I'm so thankful that the Lord sent others to help out this man. But I know that won't always be the case. I gave a lesson on Service in church yesterday, and one of the brothers in the class related a story he had heard of a sister who was baptized into the church in her 80's. When she received her Patriarchal blessing, she was told that had a brother been diligent in his duties, she would have received the gospel, and it's blessings in her youth.

What a horrible thought. To think that my inaction could rob someone of the joy and peace of the gospel for so many years is terrifying. I hope that we might all learn from that example, and follow the Lord's voice whenever it prompts us to give service. For when we are in the service of our fellow man, we are only in the service of our god, and we will receive great blessings by doing His work. I hope that in the course of my following His promptings in writing the letter, I can bring one of His children back to the fold.

I love you, my Brothers and Sisters,
Taylor

The Downside Of A Miraculous Conversion

You might have just read the title of this post, and you may be confused. How can there be any downside to a miraculous conversion? How can feeling the Lord's love intensely, deeply, unequivocally in an instant have a drawback? I assure you there is.

The problem is that in that moment of spiritual rebirth, and the ensuing honeymoon period, there is so much hope, and very little doubt. Temptation seems a distant memory, and you thirst for spiritual moments. But after the honeymoon ends, Satan and his minions come back harder than ever. You've got new spiritual body armor, and they bought armor piercing bullets.

Doubt stars to creep back in, and although you still feel spiritual, it's nowhere near the level you felt before. You feel almost alone, having become accustomed to God's near constant presence. As hard as you try, you can't get that same level of spiritual companionship. It hurts, having been so close to Him, and then to feel his presence withdraw to a distance closer than before the rebirth, but farther than you feel comfortable with. My father has often told me that hell isn't a dark, dank place of fire and brimstone, it is being out of the presence of God.

And you feel like you're in hell.

Whereas during the honeymoon, you pray always, and receive answers almost immediately or feel his love and peace upon you, you now plead for an answer, and feel nothing. Not because there is nothing to feel, but because the comfort of the spirit that was once so strong with you is back in it's natural state. A still small voice. And you're not yet accustomed to being able to the spirit in that subtle state.

This is where things get hard.

I've often wondered why I've heard of so many returned missionaries going inactive after their missions, but I think I understand it now. When on the mission, you're entire day is dedicated to the Lord, to serving His flock, and doing His work. The level of companionship with His spirit must be immense. But the transition must also be difficult. Going from serving Him in all things, and that being your only focus, to being back with family and friends, worrying about the temporal things in your life. That spirit must withdraw, and settle back at a distance you aren't used to.

So now that we have had this spiritual companionship, and subsequently felt it lessened, we must strive even harder to keep that relationship going. We have to fight for every step forward, because Satan and his minions are fighting twice as hard to pull you back. In Journey to the Veil, John Pontius discusses the ways in which the opposition seeks to destroy us. He ends that post with "They are planning our demise with evil intent, and great malice, and we're watching television."

How poignant that is. We get caught up in the worries of the world, the woes of our situation. We often times desire for the things of the world over the things of the spirit. After a day set aside for the giving of thanks, we wake up early to beat our fellow man to the cheapest flat screen. Even those of us most acquainted with Him and His spirit will slip, and fall into the traps set for us, because we are natural, fallen men and women. We've been at this for tens of years at best. But they have been doing this for thousands of years, since the fall of Adam. No wonder it's so hard to stay the course, to hold to the iron rod, and endure to the end.

But I know that there is a way. That through Christ, through His Love, and Atonement, we can again come to know his presence. The most important lesson we can learn is that we are going to fail! We must accept this, and move on, as Christ accepts us, and our faults, and continues to help us move forward. It is my sincere hope, my brothers and sisters, that we might always remember Him, and have His spirit to be with us. To lead us, and guide us toward our eternal glory. We must trust in Him with everything we are, even through the hard times, the dark times, the doubts and worries. Trust in Him, and turn to Him in every trial, and you shall be delivered.

I love you, my friends.

-Taylor

My Talk On Conversion

I gave my first talk since returning to the Church today in Sacrament meeting. I've edited it a bit to reflect the change of medium. I hope you enjoy :)  

A few weeks ago, as I was finishing a meeting with Bishop Compton, he asked me if I had anything I needed to tell him, to which I replied, if you need someone to give a talk, I’m your man. I thought this would surprise him, as we all seem to avoid giving talks like the plague, but his response was more surprising. He said, Oh good, because I have you down for a talk December 8th. I asked him what it was on, and he said conversion, and I said awesome, I can do that, I know that.

After the initial enthusiasm of the topic wore off, I realized I had no idea what I was going to say. Sure, I have had a conversion experience, but not everyone’s experience will be the same.. Whether it is a giant, powerful revelation, or the still small voice whispering it's truth in your ear, the experience is as unique to them as their fingerprint. Immediately I began searching the scriptures for verses on conversion, as well as talks from general conferences. Then a thought came to me: What is conversion?

The bible dictionary tells us that conversion:

Denotes changing one’s views, in a conscious acceptance of the will of God (Acts 3:19). If followed by continued faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism in water for the remission of sins, and the reception of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, conversion will become complete and will change a natural man into a sanctified, born again, purified person—a new creature in Christ Jesus (see 2 Cor. 5:17). Complete conversion comes after many trials and much testing (see Luke 22:32; D&C 112:12–13). To labor for the conversion of one’s self and others is a noble task, as in Ps. 51:13; Dan. 12:3; James 5:19–20; Alma 26; D&C 18:15–16.

There are a few key phrases in that passage. First, a conscious acceptance of the will of God. I found a definition of conscious that says: (of an action or feeling) deliberate or intentional.  

A deliberate acceptance of the will of God.

A synonym for deliberate is willful, defined as having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects. That’s an interesting connection, to me.

To be converted, we must stubborn and determined in our acceptance of God’s will, no matter the consequences. That may seem odd, as consequence is usually a negative word, and why would there be consequences from accepting god’s will? But as members of the church, we have seen first hand the consequences of our faith. From the judgement we face from our peers, to the persecution member’s faced in the early days of the church, the consequences of accepting god’s will are real.

But so are the great blessings we receive when we become, as the bible dictionary says, a new creature in Christ. In a lesson in elder’s quorum a few weeks ago, the question was asked: What is the difference between believing in Christ, and being a believer in Christ? I answered, anyone can say they believe they believe Jesus Christ is their lord and savior, but to be a believer in Christ, we have to show that we know he is. It is not enough to go through the motions, to do what we’ve been told because we’ve been told to do it. We have to want it. I was converted because I was at a point in my life where I was no longer happy idly wondering if God existed. And so I sought him out. And I didn’t get anything at first. I read my scriptures, and prayed to a God, and this is key, to a god I was not yet sure even existed, but I still believed he would answer my prayers.

I wrote a blog on Faith a few weeks ago, and a part of it stood out to me as I reread it in preparation of my talk.

I wrote: “I remember being told that to receive an answer to my prayer inquiring the truth of God that I needed to pray until I could pray no more, and then to keep praying. I found that absurd, like telling someone they had to walk until they passed out from dehydration, get up, and continue walking before being granted a drink. What God could require so much of me, when I was searching for HIM!  

The truth is, a loving One. A just One. I was looking at it in the wrong way. All God requires is that we, like Abraham, be willing to sacrifice our everything to Him, and through that obedience He will grant us new life. And I promise you, he does, and he will. This is coming from a person who literally thought not a month ago that people who had a "relationship" with God were stupid, and ignorant, and who knew He didn't exist, and would never, and could never exist.

Until He did

.Until He came to me, and wrapped His arms around me, and said "I am with you. I have always been, and will always be with you. I have struggled, and mourned, and sorrowed with you, and now I rejoice that you might know Me."

And all it took was believing He would, until I could believe no longer. And then believing a little more. It took giving everything I am, everything I have to him, and the willingness to give so much more.

And to maintain it, I must be willing to do the same.

What's so hard about that?”

What is so hard about that, brothers and sisters? Why is it so hard to keep our faith. To nourish it, and allow it to grow? To give our wills to him, and say thine be done? Because we are natural men and women, with natural bodies, and desires. We are weak on our own. it is only through being converted in Christ, in laying all of our desires, sorrows, and our will, and our burdens at his feet, and trusting Him in all things, that he will give us what we need. Not necessarily what we want, but what we truly need.

I recently wrote a letter to someone telling them how I felt. I wrote this as a therapeutic letter, never having the intention of showing it to them. But about 3/4 of the way through writing it, I was given a strong impression that this was addressed to this person, and they deserved the chance to read it. My heart stopped, I had written things I had never intended for them to hear. These were powerful feelings, and I was not ready to put them out there to be done with as someone else decided, to be either accepted, or discarded. I was afraid what I revealed in the letter would drastically alter, or destroy our friendship. But the more I prayed, the more I was reminded of the Savior in the garden at Gethsemane. He was afraid, just as I was. He pleaded to His Father in Heaven to take away the cup, that he might not drink it. But nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.

If the Lord was willing to take upon him the sins of the world because the Father asked him to, how could I refuse to give a letter expressing love to a dear friend? I was a nervous wreck the day I did it, but afterwards, instead of the dread I had thought I would feel, all I felt was peace. And it was because I had done what he had asked me to, even though it was hard. We receive wonderful blessings when we consciously, willfully, stubbornly strive to accept his will, no matter the perceived consequences.

This reminds me of a thought from John Pontius’ Journey to the Veil. He’s talking about taking the first step in a spiritual journey, like conversion. He writes that “When you read the scriptures and survey the lives of the noble and great ones of previous gospel dispensations, you are not reading the lives of the extraordinarily talented. You are reading the lives of the extraordinarily obedient. They each started with no greater advantage, genius, or strength than most of us. Their great first step was when they learned to hear, and then to obey, and then to fly.”

Brother’s and sister’s, I was to speak today on conversion, and it may seem that my talk has strayed into trusting in the Lord. But the reality is, they are no different. To be converted, we must trust Him in all things. We must seek out his will, and take it upon us as our own, that we might serve him, and praise him, and do His will in all things. Conversion is not a single moment. While I call it my conversion experience, it was really just the moment that God revealed Himself and his love to me in a way I could perceive. Conversion is a journey, a long one. Filled with trials, and tribulations. We may encounter dead ends, and flat tires, and we might run out of gas. And we might feel hopeless, and want to give up. But I promise you, that if you hold fast, and endure to the end, you shall be changed into a new being, a spiritual creature worthy of returning to His presence.

I bear you my testimony that Christ and the Father are real. They loves us to a degree that is so great, it is unfathomable to us in our current fallen state. I know how hard it is to be converted, to keep faith. But I promise you, if you will trust in Him in all things, and endure to the end, great blessings shall be poured out upon you. I promise you that if you come to Him with a broken heart, and a contrite spirit, and pour out your desires, and leave all of your pain, and sorrow, and hope, and love, and trust at his feet, he will take it all and mold you into the person you are truly meant to be.

I leave these things with you, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thoughts on Trust

I've been working a lot lately on learning to trust completely in the Lord, which is not an easy thing to do at first. Seemingly giving up on your hopes and desires to follow what the Savior wants is difficult. Psalms 62 tells us:

  7 In God is my salvation and my glory: 

the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

8 Trust in him at all times; ye people,

 pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. 

  I recently received a lesson from Him in trust. I was talking to a friend about something that's been troubling me. I told this person I've been praying about it near daily, and my response is continually "Be patient. Trust in me always, and my plan shall be revealed to you." My friend said that they constantly get the same answer about things they want. Being that we are both planners, letting that control go to trust in him is difficult, especially concerning things we want so dearly.

   After our talk, I sat in my car and prayed, but it was more like a conversation with my father in Heaven. For 20 minutes I communed with him, pouring out the desires of my heart, pleading for patience, pleading for help, pleading for guidance. And then I received the impression of what I would do if a child of mine was being impatient...

  I would make them wait longer. I can recall times in my life that my parents' would make me wait for things I wanted desperately. They were teaching me patience and obedience. It occurred to me that I was being like an impatient child, begging for something I wanted when I had already been given an answer; and like an impatient child, I was refusing to accept the answer, and was continuing to plead in vain.

  My Father was giving me a lesson in patience and trust. I wasn't trusting in him, leaving my wants and needs at his feet as I should have been. And so I begged forgiveness for being so short sighted, and forgetting that He already knows all my needs and desires, and will always give me what I need when I need it. I need only trust in him. I've since been leaving it in the Lord's hands. I know that He will grant me my needs in His own time, and when I need them most. I slip, I get discouraged, I get sorrowful, but I only need remember to trust in him, and say a little prayer, and I am comforted.

  I wonder how many of us of faith forget this lesson. How many of us beg for things we want, and not for what he wants of and for us? As people who are born again of Christ, we recognize that all things are possible through Him, and He has a plan for each of us that is greater than anything we could desire of ourselves. We need only to trust in Him in all things, and be patient, and obedient, and those things He desires for us, those things we need will be granted to us.

If only we are willing to trust in Him always.

"Faith is the Great Cop-out..."

Over the past few weeks, as I've been going to church, studying scripture, praying, recording thoughts and feelings and impressions I receive from Him in my journal, and visiting the Temple grounds; I've repeatedly had a Richard Dawkins quote come into my head. I'm sure many of you are familiar with it, it reads:

Faith is the great cop-out, 

the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. 

Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.

 I remember thinking, in my inactive days of... a month ago, how much I agreed with this sentiment. I remember feeling this truth, and found myself astonished that anyone could be so foolish as to think there was a Divine Being. The literal thought of God created a rage in me.

 I now know better.

Since exercising my faith, and trusting in Him to reveal Himself to me, and His subsequent revelation, I have a vastly different interpretation.

Faith is not an excuse. 

Faith is not easy.

Faith is hard. 

  Finding it is the hardest, most painful thing I have ever done. I remember spending hours as a child on my knees begging for His help. I didn't believe He would, I just had nowhere else to turn. After I (thought I had) received no help, I became angry. I raged at God. I swore at Him, I cursed Him, I reviled Him for not taking the prayers of a young man and granting them without delay. I thought only an unjust God could see and hear and feel the innate suffering, the soul-crushing agony I was going through and turn away.

My problem is that I had no faith. Faith is often defined as believing in something that you cannot see, or prove. Something that isn't tangible. But this is a vast oversimplification of Faith by those who don't understand it. Faith is so much more than belief. It is knowing without a shred of doubt in your soul that something is real, and it does exist, even if you don't know how or why. I have Faith that the Sun is a real, tangible object. I also have Faith that Christ lived, and performed miracles, and continues to do both of those things.

But wait, you might say, I can see the Sun, I can feel it's heat on my back, I know when it is gone from my sight; I don't know that of Christ.

But I do.

I see Him everyday, through miracles both large and small he performs for me, and others. I can feel the warmth of His presence when he is near me, and likewise feel the loss when He departs. I know he is real just as I know the Sun is a ball of burning gas 93 million miles away (a figure I didn't even have to look up, you should be impressed to know), or that Barack Obama is the President of the United States.

Faith is not a cop-out, it is not ignoring evidence. It is finding the abundance of evidence, recognizing it, and accepting it; and then continuing to do so throughout your life! Faith requires work, belief in science requires no such thing. I know gravity exists; I experience it on a daily basis, and I move on. That knowledge has no effect on my life. No person, or entity is striving to take away my belief in the power of gravity.

The same cannot be said of my Faith.

I know my Redeemer lives, but every second of every day, there is a very real personage trying to take that belief from me. I have struggled with a great addiction for many years, and at the moment of my conversion, any desire to partake in my Great Temptation was taken from me. Not once have I strayed from the path in the weeks following, and that is the greatest evidence to me that the Savior is working miracles in my life. but every so often, a voice whispers, "That was not His presence, that was your mind. It was a placebo." And I have to remember the burden that was lifted from me, and I have to pray for support, and I have to have faith in Him that I will be delivered, and I will be.

I go through this cycle many times a day, many times an hour. And it is hard, and it requires work, and exertion, and faith, but I can beat it. Satan does not whisper into my ear misgivings about the truth of gravity. 

And that is the difference. 

People who do not have Faith cannot know how endlessly easy it is to not have faith. I know I didn't. It would be so much easier for me to go back to my former ways. To curse, to partake in vulgar music, to give in to my Great Temptation, and to put aside the Joy I receive from Him to settle for contentment. To be complacent. To be lazy in my faith, much like being lazy in anything else.

A good friend and I were discussing this very topic earlier tonight, and she had a wonderful insight into faith:

"The truth is that everyone with faith is constantly on this teeter totter

 of finding where their beliefs are, and trying to strengthen them...

It's never complacent...

It's so much easier to stop trying...

But then you're also never balanced..."

Faith requires work. It requires evidence. And it is HARD to gain. Faith is not a cop-out, just the opposite. People stop searching for Faith, not because it's easy, but because it is so hard.

I remember being told that to receive and answer to my prayer inquiring the truth of God that I needed to pray until I could pray no more, and then to keep praying. I found that absurd, like telling someone they had to walk until they passed out from dehydration, get up, and continue walking before being granted a drink. What God could require so much of me, when I was searching for HIM!  

The truth is, a loving One. A just One. I was looking at it in the wrong way. All God requires is that we, like Abraham, be willing to sacrifice our everything to Him, and through that obedience He will grant us new life. And I promise you, he does, and he will. This is coming from a person who literally thought not a month ago that people who had a "relationship" with God were stupid, and ignorant, and who knew He didn't exist, and would never, and could never exist. Until He did. He came to me, and wrapped His arms around me, and said "I am with you. I have always been, and will always be with you. I have struggled, and mourned, and sorrowed with you, and now I rejoice that you might know Me." 

And all it took was believing He would, until I could believe no longer. And then believing a little more. It took giving everything I am, everything I have to him, and the willingness to give so much more. And to maintain it, I must be willing to do the same.

What's so hard about that?

My Conversion Story

This entry is copied from a separate personal blog I wrote earlier this year.

Some of you know that I've been struggling a lot lately with my faith. Specifically, that I had none. I didn't know what was out there, but I found the notion of the traditional God and Jesus Christ to be far-fetched.

But lately, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prompted by the realization that so many of my friends had so much joy in their relationship with the being they believed to be God. And I wanted that joy, so I sought out that relationship.

It's not been easy; after talking with the sister missionaries, and praying, and studying the scriptures, I felt nothing. So I fell back into complacency, and ignored the promises I had made to the sisters.

Then, 3 weeks later, they showed up at my door.

Crap.

We spoke again, and I voiced my frustrations. After chatting with them, and them somehow making me promise to go to church (blech) I felt even more frustrated.

But I did as they asked, and read conference talks, and read my scriptures. I listened to Rob Gardner's music, and bought his latest CD, as his music sparked my search last time. Yet I still felt very little.

Still, I had promised the sisters I would be at church on Sunday, and I wasn't prepared to break a promise again. So I woke up Sunday morning dreading the thought of church, but I'd asked my friend to come with me, so that made me feel better.

I get to church, walk in, and the sisters are surprised as all get out that I'm there...

Rude.

So I sit down, and rather than feeling uneasy, as I expected, I felt comfortable, at peace. I felt like being there was the most natural thing in the world. And then Maddi got there (LATE) and sat with me, and of course we joked around, but in a reverent-ish way?

Anyway, the first girl to speak was super nervous, and she had horrid grammar, but it felt like her talk was exactly what I needed to hear. I had never felt that before...

Gospel Principles was all about the holy ghost, which I also needed. 2/2. After church, I felt happy, and I knew I was headed the right direction, but I was still unsure.

Then this morning, I had what is undoubtedly the biggest spiritual experience of my life.

I was listening to Rob Gardner's song "There Are Angels", which has gorgeous music. But I decided to focus on the words.

"Every Shepard know the names of all his sheep.

And not one can come to harm while in his keep

But when they wander from their keeper, who is there to hold them near

Do they know there is no reason for their fear?

For there are angels watching o'er the Shepard's sheep.

To warm them in the night, and guard their sleep.

And there are angels to hold them through the rain

To guide them safely to the fold again.

If from his nest a sparrow cannot fall

Unnoticed by the Shepard of us all

Can it be that he's forsaken you through the hardships you have known

Do you know that you will never walk alone?

For there are angels watching o'er the Shepard's sheep.

To warm them in the night, and guard their sleep.

And there are angels to hold them through the rain

To guide them safely to the fold again."

 And as I listened, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and love, more immense than anything I've ever felt before. And I had no doubt that I experienced the presence of something, someone greater than myself.

And I wept tears of joy.

It felt like the savior put His arms around me, and let me know He's been there along as I suffered, and He suffered with me, and waited until the right time to wrap me in His embrace. I can't explain the mix of emotions I'm feeling: joy and sorrow and peace, but I'm terrified, but calm. I'm happy, but I'm afraid, because I know how easy it is to get complacent, and to fall back into my old ways, because it's easy
to ignore those small feelings, and those little promptings, and to do the things you want to do because they make you "happy".

But they don't.

And I'm not trying to be preachy, I hate being "preached" at. But I know what I'm doing now, this path I'm on is making me happy, and I wasn't before. And it may not work for you, and that's okay, because you have the right to believe in whatever you wish, and to think your own, personal thoughts, and to judge people based on their beliefs, if you think that's okay.

I just want you to be happy. To be truly happy, like I feel right now. And you may find your joy in another way, and think my route to happy is wrong.

But I'll still love you, as the Savior loves us all. (if that's what you believe)

So that's my story, for now. I pray only that I'll continue along this path, and expand this joy, and grow closer to God, and take my joy from Him, and find shelter from grief, and pain in Him. That I can serve my purpose here on earth, and join Him again when the time is right.

And I'm happy.