Hello everyone.
So, as promised, I'm going to keep a long story long, and update you on why I only spent 6 months out of my anticipated 24 in England. I'm about to get real honest, and what I say may be surprising to you, but I am not ashamed, nor afraid to speak about my experiences in life (as those of you who attended my YSA ward farewell know!)
I, Taylor Bennett Hudson the 3rd (jk, I'm the only one), suffer, and have suffered from from depression, for about 10 years now. That may surprise some of you, because I have gotten really good at hiding how I actually feel. I'm really good at acting like everything is okay, like I'm happy, and that I enjoy all the aspects and facets of my life.
It isn't, I'm not, and I don't.
Now, that's not to say everything is horrible, that I'm never happy, and that I don't enjoy facets of my life (I have ups and downs like everyone, I am human.) But, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have moments, and periods of extreme darkness, extreme sadness, and even sometimes agony (emotional and physical) due to that sadness.
This reared it's ugly head in a major way on my mission. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on mental illness, and specifically depression in the October 2013 General Conference. He said,
"When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion... but today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
This was me on my mission. There were days where it was all that I could do to get out of bed and out of the door. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I used to think, before my mission, that the level or amount of sadness I experienced was normal, that people were all as sad as I was. But when I got into the mission field, I experienced a level and depth of sadness so great that I knew something was wrong.
Depression is such a destructive disease of the mind. It entirely warps the way you see yourself, lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, and completely invalidates (in your mind) the compliments and positive things other people say about you. Obviously, again in one's mind, they are lying. "I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless, therefore any positive thing someone could mistakenly see in m e is wrong. It's not a great place to be, mentally, or spiritually, for that matter.
It's ridiculous, because I know how much people love me, I've seen and heard and occasionally felt it. But I felt so alone on my mission, so unloved. I know it wasn't, and isn't true, yet I still felt (and admittedly still feel) like I am not loved. Depression makes you irrational. It takes away your ability to dismiss your irrational thoughts. I say dismiss, because I know that many of the thoughts that drive my depression are just irrational and false, but I feel them nonetheless.
Which sucks. Real real bad.
But, I'm receiving treatment, and I am fighting, and I will get better.
One last thing I want to touch on. Many of you have asked how I'm doing, and the answer is that it's a struggle, but I'm glad to be home. I feel like the question you're really asking is how is your testimony, how do you feel about coming home early?
The answer to that question is that I feel completely at peace about my decision to come home. I had frequent sessions with a psychologist, and a psychiatrist while I was there, and I still did my best to work hard, and I gave everything I had. I know, I know that my offering has been accepted by the Lord. Further more, I know that this is what was supposed to happen! I want to England to learn a few things, not the least of which is that I have this affliction, and needed to recognize that so I could start to gain the tools to handle it.
I was never meant to serve a full 24 months, of this I am certain. And I feel completely at ease telling anyone who says otherwise exactly where they can go (straight to hell) because this is the Lord's will for me, and that is more than enough.
I want to thank everyone who supported me and loved me, vocally or not, while I was in England. I'm happy to be home, and looking forward to moving forward.
Much Love,
(Formerly Elder) Taylor Hudson
