The title of (well really, this whole post) is inspired by a devotional I went to last night. It was given by a well known LDS blogger named Al Fox Carraway, better known to some as the Tattooed Mormon. I think that title is a little cheap, considering she is SO much more. Her energy was refreshing, especially in the YSA world where we often get firesides from older men who, while being spiritually uplifting (MOST of the time...) are stiff, and fail to really capture your attention. She made excellent use of humor, and yet had moments of heartache and heartbreak in her story that translated onto the congregation in a palpable way I've never experienced before.
Their was one moment where she had us all close our eyes, and picture the Savior in front of us. And then, she said, He Smiles. The spirit was felt strongly, and the room was absolutely silent. My thoughts during this experiment were literally, "I have never heard it this quiet at a YSA fireside." Seriously, it just does not happen. There is always someone talking, or whispering, or making noise. But not this time. We were able to relate to her, and I think that's something we so often miss in the people we are taught by, and it was invigorating.
But I didn't write this post to review the fireside (5 stars, by the way. Hell, 100 stars.) I wrote this because of 2 specific moments in the fireside where I knew she was talking to ME. 2 moments where she received inspiration from on high to speak to my needs.
The first came as she described a situation wherein she was absolutely frustrated, and angry at God. Where she yelled at him. SO much so, in fact, that she lost her voice (probably a vocal fold hemorrhage, but that's not the point.) The point is, she was forced to listen. And that's when she heard what she needed to hear. I relate to that. It reminded me of my own conversion, where I would yell at Him. "I'm doing the work, I'm trying my best, why am I getting nothing? Where are you? Do you even care?" Obviously, writing this, and having done that whole mission thing, I got my answer. But it touched me.
The other is more relevant to me now. As she made her journey from New York to Utah, she stopped in Chicago to rest. She told us that while there, she sat on the ground, and was just emotional and physically drained. She thought, "Why? Why keep trying? I've done all I can... I have nothing left. I'm tired of trying."
That hit me. Hard.
Ever since coming home early from my mission, thinking my depression would get better (and it getting worse), I've had that thought so many times. Why? Why should I keep going, why should I keep trying? I've done everything I can, I have nothing left. I just want to be done.
I want to give up.
On this town.
On the gospel.
On life...
Life is hard. Granted, it was never meant to be easy. But why did it have to be this hard?
Then she said, "Never give up. Choose whom you follow, and follow Him."
I needed that. It was a reminder: was I truly following Him, or was I simply going through the motions? I can tell you, I've simply been going through the motions since I returned, with intermittent spots of true discipleship.
But no more.
I'm not giving up.
Not on this town, not on this gospel, and not on life.
I'm trying, I'm fighting, and I'm moving forward. I refuse to let lucifer win. I refuse to let the destroyer take my joy, take my freedom...
Take my life.
So here I am. On July 13th, 2015, I'm rededicating myself to Him.
And it won't be easy. I had to remind myself to read my scriptures first thing this morning. I had to choose to ignore the flashing blue light on my phone that holds the promise of online interactions. I had to refocus, many times, as I read to make sure I was paying attention, and actually studying, not just reading the scriptures. I had to force myself to close all other tabs on my browser, so I could write this uninterrupted, and ignore all the bloops and pops of social media calling me away.
But it's worth it. I remember that much. I remember when I would wake up at 6:30 to study everyday before school, and then at 6 so I would stop being late. I remember what it was like to go to the temple every week, sometimes 3-4 times a week from the day I was endowed to the day I left on my mission.
I remember what it was like to be happy. Truly, truly happy.
And it came not because the things of the world... but because of the presence of the Spirit. And I want that again. And I want to learn how to be like Al. I want to figure out how I can use my experiences, my weaknesses, and my imperfections to uplift, and inspire others. I want to learn how to be a tool in my Father's hands, to serve His children.
I want to turn my story into a story about not giving up.
And, if by some miracle (or, ya know, social media interaction) you ever read this Al, I want to thank you for your example. For your love for the gospel, and your love of the Father and the Savior. For your excitement, your enthusiasm, and your story. Thank you for reminding me who I am, and what I know to be true.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Love the Lord Thy God
So it's been awhile since I've written a post, and honestly, I'm not surprised.
Ever since my mission, my spiritual life has been in tatters. My mission really kind of beat the hope out of me. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a mission, and it certainly isn't the normal experience, but it was mine.
And it was exactly what I needed.
Again, that probably sounds strange, but let me explain. When I came back to the church, I had a new "brightness of hope", as the scriptures call it. I had gained a knowledge of where I came from, why I was here, and where I was going. I used to get up everyday for school at 6:30 am to have time to get ready and study the scriptures. However, I was regularly late to class, so I started getting up 30 minutes earlier to make sure I had time to start my day with Him.
My life went on, and it wasn't always easy, but my burdens were made light as I spent time every single day connecting with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They were what I put first in my life. The decision to put my education on hold and serve a mission was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, but it was what He desired of me, and I was determined to do as He asked. So I left on August 27th of 2013 to jolly old England to serve for an "anticipated... 24 months," as my mission call states.
Fast Forward 6 months. After the most difficult 6 months of my life, after numerous doctor's appointments, drugs, therapy sessions, much praying, and discussions with my loving Mission President, I was on a plane from London Heathrow to Phoenix Sky harbor. It was good to see my beloved desert from the sky. It was wonderful to be greeted by my family and friends, including a new nephew born a month after I left. It was good to be home, and yet, the depression lingered. As did 1 very important question;
Why Me?
What did I do wrong? I was diligent and faithful. I woke up on time, generally did my morning exercise, I studied with purpose and intent. And yet, I had had a difficult 6 months leading to an even more difficult transition home, and to regular life. And even worse, my depression flared up with a vengeance, and I slipped out of 16 months of abstinence from and addiction to Pornography.
A second question; God, where are you? I questioned, much like the prophet Joseph as he languished in Liberty Jail.
The answer to my first question had different answers. For Elder Hudson, the answer was "You have depression. It is a very real disease that will affect you all your life, and if you do not learn to control it, it will ruin you physically, emotionally, and spiritually." I had gone to England to discover my disease, and begin the process of learning to cope, and control it.
For the recently returned RM, the one who neglected scripture study, the one who neglected the blessings and protection of the Temple, the one who allowed his depression to control him, who allowed carnal appetites to overwhelm him, the answer was all too clear.
The answer to the second question, however, was always the same. It was the same reply given to Joseph those many years ago:
Ever since my mission, my spiritual life has been in tatters. My mission really kind of beat the hope out of me. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a mission, and it certainly isn't the normal experience, but it was mine.
And it was exactly what I needed.
Again, that probably sounds strange, but let me explain. When I came back to the church, I had a new "brightness of hope", as the scriptures call it. I had gained a knowledge of where I came from, why I was here, and where I was going. I used to get up everyday for school at 6:30 am to have time to get ready and study the scriptures. However, I was regularly late to class, so I started getting up 30 minutes earlier to make sure I had time to start my day with Him.
My life went on, and it wasn't always easy, but my burdens were made light as I spent time every single day connecting with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They were what I put first in my life. The decision to put my education on hold and serve a mission was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, but it was what He desired of me, and I was determined to do as He asked. So I left on August 27th of 2013 to jolly old England to serve for an "anticipated... 24 months," as my mission call states.
Fast Forward 6 months. After the most difficult 6 months of my life, after numerous doctor's appointments, drugs, therapy sessions, much praying, and discussions with my loving Mission President, I was on a plane from London Heathrow to Phoenix Sky harbor. It was good to see my beloved desert from the sky. It was wonderful to be greeted by my family and friends, including a new nephew born a month after I left. It was good to be home, and yet, the depression lingered. As did 1 very important question;
Why Me?
What did I do wrong? I was diligent and faithful. I woke up on time, generally did my morning exercise, I studied with purpose and intent. And yet, I had had a difficult 6 months leading to an even more difficult transition home, and to regular life. And even worse, my depression flared up with a vengeance, and I slipped out of 16 months of abstinence from and addiction to Pornography.
A second question; God, where are you? I questioned, much like the prophet Joseph as he languished in Liberty Jail.
"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?"(D&C 121:1-2)
For the recently returned RM, the one who neglected scripture study, the one who neglected the blessings and protection of the Temple, the one who allowed his depression to control him, who allowed carnal appetites to overwhelm him, the answer was all too clear.
The answer to the second question, however, was always the same. It was the same reply given to Joseph those many years ago:
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121: 7-8)
The truth is, He was always there. He was there waiting patiently for me to reach out to Him, to ask in faith, and with real intent for His help. This week, I finally began that process in earnest. I began to truly study the scriptures again, regularly, and with hope. I've been blessed with the opportunity to return to the House of the Lord. I've been blessed by the influence of 2 extraordinary friends who shall remain nameless, but nevertheless have all of my love and respect for the example of Christlike love, and compassion they've shown to me.
To truly be happy, I have to put Him first in my life once again. I have to reestablish that relationship, and through that relationship can improve my relationship with myself. That's where the true happiness lies: surety of hope in the knowledge that my Savior and Father in Heaven love me, and that I am enough just as I am.
That is the lesson I needed to learn. That is what He was trying to teach me. Like Alma, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things..." (Alma 26:12)
To all of you who have reached out to me with kind words of encouragement, know that I am grateful for your love and friendship.
And to you 2, and you know who you are; thank you for saving me. You showed me that the reason you can make me feel wanted, and needed, and special, and loved is because I am. I will be eternally grateful for your example, and friendship. I love you more than words can express, more than I even have the capacity to understand.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Surprise, I'm Home!
Hello everyone.
So, as promised, I'm going to keep a long story long, and update you on why I only spent 6 months out of my anticipated 24 in England. I'm about to get real honest, and what I say may be surprising to you, but I am not ashamed, nor afraid to speak about my experiences in life (as those of you who attended my YSA ward farewell know!)
I, Taylor Bennett Hudson the 3rd (jk, I'm the only one), suffer, and have suffered from from depression, for about 10 years now. That may surprise some of you, because I have gotten really good at hiding how I actually feel. I'm really good at acting like everything is okay, like I'm happy, and that I enjoy all the aspects and facets of my life.
It isn't, I'm not, and I don't.
Now, that's not to say everything is horrible, that I'm never happy, and that I don't enjoy facets of my life (I have ups and downs like everyone, I am human.) But, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have moments, and periods of extreme darkness, extreme sadness, and even sometimes agony (emotional and physical) due to that sadness.
This reared it's ugly head in a major way on my mission. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on mental illness, and specifically depression in the October 2013 General Conference. He said,
"When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion... but today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
This was me on my mission. There were days where it was all that I could do to get out of bed and out of the door. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I used to think, before my mission, that the level or amount of sadness I experienced was normal, that people were all as sad as I was. But when I got into the mission field, I experienced a level and depth of sadness so great that I knew something was wrong.
Depression is such a destructive disease of the mind. It entirely warps the way you see yourself, lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, and completely invalidates (in your mind) the compliments and positive things other people say about you. Obviously, again in one's mind, they are lying. "I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless, therefore any positive thing someone could mistakenly see in m e is wrong. It's not a great place to be, mentally, or spiritually, for that matter.
It's ridiculous, because I know how much people love me, I've seen and heard and occasionally felt it. But I felt so alone on my mission, so unloved. I know it wasn't, and isn't true, yet I still felt (and admittedly still feel) like I am not loved. Depression makes you irrational. It takes away your ability to dismiss your irrational thoughts. I say dismiss, because I know that many of the thoughts that drive my depression are just irrational and false, but I feel them nonetheless.
Which sucks. Real real bad.
But, I'm receiving treatment, and I am fighting, and I will get better.
One last thing I want to touch on. Many of you have asked how I'm doing, and the answer is that it's a struggle, but I'm glad to be home. I feel like the question you're really asking is how is your testimony, how do you feel about coming home early?
The answer to that question is that I feel completely at peace about my decision to come home. I had frequent sessions with a psychologist, and a psychiatrist while I was there, and I still did my best to work hard, and I gave everything I had. I know, I know that my offering has been accepted by the Lord. Further more, I know that this is what was supposed to happen! I want to England to learn a few things, not the least of which is that I have this affliction, and needed to recognize that so I could start to gain the tools to handle it.
I was never meant to serve a full 24 months, of this I am certain. And I feel completely at ease telling anyone who says otherwise exactly where they can go (straight to hell) because this is the Lord's will for me, and that is more than enough.
I want to thank everyone who supported me and loved me, vocally or not, while I was in England. I'm happy to be home, and looking forward to moving forward.
Much Love,
(Formerly Elder) Taylor Hudson
So, as promised, I'm going to keep a long story long, and update you on why I only spent 6 months out of my anticipated 24 in England. I'm about to get real honest, and what I say may be surprising to you, but I am not ashamed, nor afraid to speak about my experiences in life (as those of you who attended my YSA ward farewell know!)
I, Taylor Bennett Hudson the 3rd (jk, I'm the only one), suffer, and have suffered from from depression, for about 10 years now. That may surprise some of you, because I have gotten really good at hiding how I actually feel. I'm really good at acting like everything is okay, like I'm happy, and that I enjoy all the aspects and facets of my life.
It isn't, I'm not, and I don't.
Now, that's not to say everything is horrible, that I'm never happy, and that I don't enjoy facets of my life (I have ups and downs like everyone, I am human.) But, due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have moments, and periods of extreme darkness, extreme sadness, and even sometimes agony (emotional and physical) due to that sadness.
This reared it's ugly head in a major way on my mission. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on mental illness, and specifically depression in the October 2013 General Conference. He said,
"When I speak of this, I am not speaking of bad hair days, tax deadlines, or other discouraging moments we all have. Everyone is going to be anxious or downhearted on occasion... but today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!" https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
This was me on my mission. There were days where it was all that I could do to get out of bed and out of the door. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I used to think, before my mission, that the level or amount of sadness I experienced was normal, that people were all as sad as I was. But when I got into the mission field, I experienced a level and depth of sadness so great that I knew something was wrong.
Depression is such a destructive disease of the mind. It entirely warps the way you see yourself, lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, and completely invalidates (in your mind) the compliments and positive things other people say about you. Obviously, again in one's mind, they are lying. "I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless, therefore any positive thing someone could mistakenly see in m e is wrong. It's not a great place to be, mentally, or spiritually, for that matter.
It's ridiculous, because I know how much people love me, I've seen and heard and occasionally felt it. But I felt so alone on my mission, so unloved. I know it wasn't, and isn't true, yet I still felt (and admittedly still feel) like I am not loved. Depression makes you irrational. It takes away your ability to dismiss your irrational thoughts. I say dismiss, because I know that many of the thoughts that drive my depression are just irrational and false, but I feel them nonetheless.
Which sucks. Real real bad.
But, I'm receiving treatment, and I am fighting, and I will get better.
One last thing I want to touch on. Many of you have asked how I'm doing, and the answer is that it's a struggle, but I'm glad to be home. I feel like the question you're really asking is how is your testimony, how do you feel about coming home early?
The answer to that question is that I feel completely at peace about my decision to come home. I had frequent sessions with a psychologist, and a psychiatrist while I was there, and I still did my best to work hard, and I gave everything I had. I know, I know that my offering has been accepted by the Lord. Further more, I know that this is what was supposed to happen! I want to England to learn a few things, not the least of which is that I have this affliction, and needed to recognize that so I could start to gain the tools to handle it.
I was never meant to serve a full 24 months, of this I am certain. And I feel completely at ease telling anyone who says otherwise exactly where they can go (straight to hell) because this is the Lord's will for me, and that is more than enough.
I want to thank everyone who supported me and loved me, vocally or not, while I was in England. I'm happy to be home, and looking forward to moving forward.
Much Love,
(Formerly Elder) Taylor Hudson
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