Ever since my mission, my spiritual life has been in tatters. My mission really kind of beat the hope out of me. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a mission, and it certainly isn't the normal experience, but it was mine.
And it was exactly what I needed.
Again, that probably sounds strange, but let me explain. When I came back to the church, I had a new "brightness of hope", as the scriptures call it. I had gained a knowledge of where I came from, why I was here, and where I was going. I used to get up everyday for school at 6:30 am to have time to get ready and study the scriptures. However, I was regularly late to class, so I started getting up 30 minutes earlier to make sure I had time to start my day with Him.
My life went on, and it wasn't always easy, but my burdens were made light as I spent time every single day connecting with my Father in Heaven and my Savior. They were what I put first in my life. The decision to put my education on hold and serve a mission was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, but it was what He desired of me, and I was determined to do as He asked. So I left on August 27th of 2013 to jolly old England to serve for an "anticipated... 24 months," as my mission call states.
Fast Forward 6 months. After the most difficult 6 months of my life, after numerous doctor's appointments, drugs, therapy sessions, much praying, and discussions with my loving Mission President, I was on a plane from London Heathrow to Phoenix Sky harbor. It was good to see my beloved desert from the sky. It was wonderful to be greeted by my family and friends, including a new nephew born a month after I left. It was good to be home, and yet, the depression lingered. As did 1 very important question;
Why Me?
What did I do wrong? I was diligent and faithful. I woke up on time, generally did my morning exercise, I studied with purpose and intent. And yet, I had had a difficult 6 months leading to an even more difficult transition home, and to regular life. And even worse, my depression flared up with a vengeance, and I slipped out of 16 months of abstinence from and addiction to Pornography.
A second question; God, where are you? I questioned, much like the prophet Joseph as he languished in Liberty Jail.
"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?"(D&C 121:1-2)
For the recently returned RM, the one who neglected scripture study, the one who neglected the blessings and protection of the Temple, the one who allowed his depression to control him, who allowed carnal appetites to overwhelm him, the answer was all too clear.
The answer to the second question, however, was always the same. It was the same reply given to Joseph those many years ago:
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121: 7-8)
The truth is, He was always there. He was there waiting patiently for me to reach out to Him, to ask in faith, and with real intent for His help. This week, I finally began that process in earnest. I began to truly study the scriptures again, regularly, and with hope. I've been blessed with the opportunity to return to the House of the Lord. I've been blessed by the influence of 2 extraordinary friends who shall remain nameless, but nevertheless have all of my love and respect for the example of Christlike love, and compassion they've shown to me.
To truly be happy, I have to put Him first in my life once again. I have to reestablish that relationship, and through that relationship can improve my relationship with myself. That's where the true happiness lies: surety of hope in the knowledge that my Savior and Father in Heaven love me, and that I am enough just as I am.
That is the lesson I needed to learn. That is what He was trying to teach me. Like Alma, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things..." (Alma 26:12)
To all of you who have reached out to me with kind words of encouragement, know that I am grateful for your love and friendship.
And to you 2, and you know who you are; thank you for saving me. You showed me that the reason you can make me feel wanted, and needed, and special, and loved is because I am. I will be eternally grateful for your example, and friendship. I love you more than words can express, more than I even have the capacity to understand.
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