29 Days!!!!!

29 DAYS!!!!!

Okay, I'm starting to freak out just a bit. And it hasn't been easy lately. Actually, it's been really hard, to be honest. It seems the closer I get to leaving, the harder satan's minions fight to keep me here.

One day in particular, I read an article that didn't start out anti-Mormon, but certainly ended that way. Afterwards, I was shaken, and confused, and struggling to find my way back to center. After studying PMG at my mom's Therapy appointment, I definitely felt better, but I knew I also needed a blessing from my dad.

After we got home from therapy, I asked him for one, which indeed made me feel better. But the real miracle was in what happened next. My father asked if I would give him a blessing. I felt apprehensive, but I knew I was worthy to give him one, and so I did. As I lay my hands upon his head and began, it felt normal, and to be honest, I just said similar things to the words I usually use. And then, for the first time ever, I felt different. It was very similar to the feeling I had when I knew that Jesus lives and loves me. And for the first time, words followed that feeling.

Now I've always wondered what it would feel like to be commanded to impart a blessing that I thought was... too good to be true. I wondered what I would do: would I have the courage to speak the words that seemed impossible to come to pass? Yet here I was, and those improbable promises came into my mind, but in that moment, with that feeling filling my entire being, I knew that they were true and spoke them as such. I must say, it was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I've ever had.

I've also begun to be nervous about leaving. And I don't think it's the prospect of a new place, far removed from home, I think it has to do with being away from the people I love. Leaving my friends and family was always my main deterrent from serving a mission, but it's never felt so real until now. I had the thought this morning that it's very much like the grieving process: When Kristi died, it was so strange that life moved on, that things continued basically unchanged.

That's kind of what I feel like, but from a slightly shifted perspective. In one month, I will be on a different side of the planet, yet the world here will continue on without me. My friends' lives will continue on practically unchanged. Weddings will happen. People will move. Things will continue on, and I'll come home to a completely new set of circumstances. And that's scary.

It's terrifying.

But I know that this is what I am meant to do.

This is where I am meant to go.

This is where I am meant to grow, to become the man I am meant to be.

I came to this realization very strongly when I read my latest set of emails from 2 friends out in the field. It's hard, but it's worth it. I can't pretend to know what the future holds for me. I don't know how effective I will be, if I'll be of any help to anyone. But I know I'm meant to serve, and I know I love Him enough to trust in His plan for me, because it has always been better than my own.

-Taylor